Reprise: Four seasons is plenty

OK, blogging hiatus over for now. The fiction remains unfinished, but after reading Steve Buttry’s column in today’s Cedar Rapids Gazette, I felt compelled to post the following, which I sent to some friends and family just over a year ago and later to Todd Dorman after he wrote on the same subject. (For the record, I don’t think the new slogan when it finally gets adopted should be flood-related. Too dismal a thing to be reminded of all the time.)

Four Seasons is Plenty:

New C.R. Slogan Sought

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA — A small but increasingly vocal segment of the citizenry here is hoping to do away with Cedar Rapids’ much-mocked and little-understood “City of Five Seasons” motto and replace its enormous metal “Tree of Five Seasons” 3D downtown logo with an actual tree.

Tree of Five Seasons

Tree of Five Seasons AF (After Flood)

“You know, like something with actual bark and leaves and stuff,” said one resident. “A tree. We could call it the Tree of Four Seasons because it would be there all year long and people could have picnics under it and stuff. I would never have a picnic under a *&#$@*&^ metal tree.”

“Besides,” he added, “if it’s a real tree, who gives a rat’s ass if birds crap all over it? We wouldn’t have to pay anybody to clean it up, would we?”

A number of possible new slogans have already been suggested, including:

  • Just 20 Miles from One of Outside Magazine’s “Best Places to Live”
  • A City Without Bike Lanes
  • A River Runs Through It
  • An Interstate Runs Through It
  • Freight Trains Run Through It, Right Downtown!
  • We Don’t Need No Stinking Slogan (to replace the unofficial “City of Five Smells”)
  • We Have a Trout Stream, and You Don’t
  • The Dump Will Make a Great Park Some Day
  • City of Trees (Most of Them Real)

“Who are we kidding?” asked one slogan contributor. “We have four seasons just like everyone else, but there are a lot of other things that make us special here. We should think about calling attention to them.”

“It’s time for the metal tree to come down,” he added. “Either that, or we should at least paint it green in the spring and summer, gold or maybe a nice red in the fall, and then brown in the winter like the maple and oak trees. It should kind of sway when the wind blows, too.”

He pointed out that many of the lights that are supposed to illuminate the Tree of Five Seasons are already broken or burned out.

“They wouldn’t need to be replaced if the tree comes down,” he said, “and we wouldn’t have to pay for that electricity any more. Our carbon footprint would be a little bit smaller, and the real tree would use up some extra carbon dioxide and make for a nice, shady spot along the river.”

He added, “I honestly think it’s a no-brainer. Green’s the way to go.”

There is still time to submit suggestions for a new slogan and to vote for what sort of actual tree should replace the “Tree of Five Seasons.” Just reply to this message with your own ideas or vote for one of the slogans above. (Be sure to send this to everyone in your address book to make sure they all get a chance to vote.)

“Once that fake tree is gone and we know what kind of tree people really want there, I’ll dig the hole myself,” said one local resident. “We could probably get a nice piece of change for that scrap metal.”

# # #

Zemanta Pixie


Twitter Updates

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 7 other followers


%d bloggers like this: